That moment when I thought I had lost my baby!
I’m officially 17 weeks pregnant with baby number 3, can you believe it? I know, this post is a little late since we are way past the first trimester but I feel like this pregnancy is flying by! I haven’t had the chance to sit down and blog about how I’ve been feeling physically and emotionally.
Could it be because I am still in denial?
Honestly, I feel as if it hasn’t really hit me yet that in a few months from now I will have a newborn in my arms again. The only time that it feels real is when I visit the gynae for my check-ups and when he confirms that Sprout is fine.
Yes, my little miracle will be called Sprout for the next couple of months… You will find out why very soon.
So, what exactly happened after I found out I’m pregnant? Well… if you want to start at the beginning, you can read my first post here.
It wasn’t all as rosy as you think it would be and that is why I took a long time to announce my pregnancy. I wanted to be 100% sure that everything was okay with our little Sprout before sharing my big news with the world.
Week 4 of 3rd Pregnancy:
This was the week that I had scheduled my gynae’s appointment (long before I had found out I was pregnant).
We arrived at the Gynae’s room and I went straight into the toilet to pee in a cup because you know, peeing in a cup is a tradition for your first pregnancy appointment.
I then met with my doctor and he immediately smiled and asked me, are you pregnant again Shan? Was it that obvious?!… I mumbled to myself.
I looked at him and replied: “Uhm, I think so.” It wasn’t a very confident answer but to be honest I wasn’t sure what was going on. I had crazy emotions running in my head. I wasn’t exactly screaming it out: “I’m Pregnant!” I was trying to recover from the gazillion pregnancy tests I had done at home over the past few days. At this point, I was tired of peeing on a stick. I just wanted to know what was going on inside me – I had no clue how far along I was even though the stick said 2-3 weeks pregnant.
So, I laid down on the bed after changing into the sexy hospital gown and stared at the screen waiting to see what was happening in my growing tummy.
At this stage of a pregnancy, the only way to get a clear picture of what is happening inside is by sticking a stick (well… Uhm, not sure what you call it) up your Vijay jay with a condom on it. This is always so uncomfortable for me… I cringe every time he does it.
We looked at the screen while he moved the stick around inside me trying to find a baby… but there was nothing there to see.
No heartbeat and no fetus.
Only a sack!
At that moment, I froze. I screamed inside my head. I felt a little like Bella in Breaking Dawn when she was turning into a vampire. Remember that part?!
I was on my pill when I fell pregnant! I had even taken a morning after pill!
Could it be that the morning after pill did something to mess this pregnancy up?
Could it be that the birth control pill poisoned the conception?!
Did I just kill Sprout without even knowing that he/she existed?
Even though I wasn’t really excited about this pregnancy, I knew this was a miracle – A miracle that I should cherish and love – no matter what!
It was hard to believe that I was pregnant, it was hard to accept it but finding out that this might not be real anymore shattered me.
It played with my emotions.
I wasn’t sure how to react next.
The doctor couldn’t confirm or deny the pregnancy and he suggested we wait for another 4 weeks before we come back to find out if this was real or not.
4 weeks?! Are you kidding me? This is torture! I thought to myself…
He then went on talking to me about the signs of a miscarriage and what could happen if there was no baby in the 8th week when we come back for a check-up. He continued talking while my mind drifted away… Thinking about how selfish I’ve been about Sprout and how I was considering an abortion. Okay – so we all know that I wouldn’t do it but… I thought about it.
I know it’s even hard to say that word out loud but I thought about it on my occasions – especially because of finances. I wasn’t sure about how I would bring another child into the world and not give him/her exactly what his/her siblings had.
I had so many concerns. I was scared and happy. I was confused. Honestly, I would not kill my baby but can I have one and not give him/her everything?
How were my children going to react? Kitana has already had to adjust to Kiaan and now to spring this on her. My darling Kiaan would still be a toddler and needs me. Can I handle this? Can he handle this? How are we going to manage? Babies are expensive.
I had to deal with so much! But when I heard that my baby wasn’t there and may never be there…. I felt as if my world came crashing down.
I felt guilty because of my negativity. I thought that I had hurt my baby, and I realized that even though the thought of an abortion may have crossed my mind it was never an option. My children are my heartbeat.
They often say that you often don’t realize what you have until it’s not there anymore, and that moment when we couldn’t see Sprout – well it felt as if the bottom had fallen off my world and I was falling.