An apology letter to my second child…

Dear second child…

My son,

I want to apologize to you for not been there as much as I should have…

I just want you to know that I was over the moon on the day that I found out that I was pregnant with you.

I prayed for you, I prepared for your arrival and welcomed you into this world with lots of hugs and kisses but soon after, life became busy. I became a working mom of two.

You are growing up in a house where both your parents have to work so we can give both you and your sister the best. The situation is very different from what your sister experienced when she was little.

I feel as if I haven’t been giving you the attention that you need.

I’m sorry.

I feel so guilty.

Mommy is currently 35 weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

Soon, you are not going to be my last born anymore, you are going to become the middle child. Even though becoming a middle child may sound scary, remember that you are going to be the filling in a sandwich that keeps the family together. You know that the filling defines the sandwich.

You have no idea what is about to happen in 3 weeks’ time – because you are still a baby yourself. You are 20-months-old and about to be promoted to being a big brother already.

Sometimes… I forget that you are still so little and need my undivided attention because you seem all grown up in those big boy jeans – especially when you count numbers and attempt to talk with big words to me.

I breastfed your sister for 2 and a half years and now I am expecting you to quit at 20 months.

I know that isn’t fair on you.

Sometimes, I forget that breastfeeding helps us bond and connect with each other – especially amongst the chaos at home.

I feel as if I have never been fair to you.

I even feel so guilty for putting you on formula when you turned 5-months-old while your sister was exclusively breastfed.

I feel as if I have cheated you because I haven’t done the things with you that I did with your sister – things like the mommy and baby classes and toddler play dates with friends.

I am sorry that I don’t know important facts and milestones about you. I can’t really remember when you got your first tooth or the day that you stood up on your own for the first time.

I am sorry that I let your sister bully you around when no one was looking and let her shove her fingers in your mouth to shut you up.

I am sorry that sometimes you have to wear hand me down clothing from your sister and look like a fashion disaster in public.

I am sorry that you had to grow up quickly and become independent because mommy was constantly traveling for work.

I am sorry that you fell from the bed because I was jet lagged and forgot you were sleeping next to me.

I am sorry that I don’t love you a little less… Even though you’re my second child, you will always be my first boy. You taught me what the bond between a mother and son is. You taught me how to love myself and juggle work while being a mom of two.

No matter what people say, a mother will always have space in her heart to love more than one child.

I am sorry that I don’t regret making you the middle child because I know you’re going to be an awesome big brother. You are the most lovable child I know.

I may not have done many of the typical things with you but I want you to know that Mommy loves you.

Don’t ever wonder if I love you or your sister more because the answer will always be the same. I love you both, more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone.

Your smile makes my heart melt and your hugs make me fuzzy and warm.

I am doing what I am doing because of you. You are my strength. You are always happy and that’s what I love the most about you.

Remember, even though I don’t have many pictures of you or a scrapbook written for you, I have memories which are more precious to me. Moments that I will always remember and tell you about one day when you’re old enough!