Dear Firstborn… I’m Sorry about the baby!

Dear Daughter, I want to apologize to you.

I’m sorry for the overwhelming changes that took place ever since your brother arrived.

I did not really understand your feelings until I looked into your eyes this morning and caught a glimpse of myself.

While breastfeeding your brother, I stared into his big black eyes and said: “I love you” not realizing that you had entered the room that exact moment.

When I looked up, I found you standing there… waiting… for me to say something.

The moment I said: I love you daughter, you smiled with joy and screamed back: “Mommy Vijendranath, I love you 10.”

All you ever wanted was me… but I wasn’t always there when you needed me.

I’m sorry for failing you.

To be honest, I’m still figuring out my new promotion “mom to two”.

The last year has been crazy for you, emotionally.

When I fell pregnant with your brother, things changed. You were puzzled and never really understood what was happening until you finally met him. Then you were excited that he had eyes, eyelashes, and a mouth.

We stopped doing a lot of things together like we used to because mommy was always tired and moody.

There were moments when I shouted and yelled at you for no reason but please understand that I didn’t mean to. It was a moment of weakness when pregnancy emotions filled me.

I’m sorry that you feel like you are sharing me.

I know that today you feel like you have to fight really hard for my attention and love.

But I want you to remember something…

You will always be my first no matter how many siblings I give you.

You turned me into a mom and taught me what unconditional love feels like.

Even though you may no longer be my only child, you will always be my only girl.

Even though my attention is now divided, my love for you isn’t.

You will always hold a special place in my heart that cannot be shared or replaced.

I’m sorry that Mommy is always exhausted.

I know it feels like I never have enough time to play puzzles with you but trust me it won’t be like this forever.

I admit I am not energetic and patient like I used to be but that is only because I get very little sleep and work till late every night for your future, as well as that of your brother.

I’m sorry for always pushing you away when you get too close to your baby brother.

I know that every time you get too close to him; I question you or yell.

“Did you wash your hands and face?”

“Why are you annoying him?”

I know that you love him but sometimes you get really jealous. You forget that he is tiny and cannot express his feelings like you do.

I have to be your little brother’s voice until he can talk. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care but remember he is not a doll that mommy can put down at will – he is a tiny little baby that can get hurt.

Pinching his cheeks will make him cry, not smile.

Hitting his head will make him cry, not sleep.

My love… right now it may seem that I love him more but that is not the case. I just have to be his voice, and his food. He is not big like you. He can’t go to the toilet and he can’t walk, talk or eat. He needs you and I to help him.

I’m sorry that mommy can’t always carry you like she used to.

I didn’t mean to hurt you… that moment when I put you down to carry him.

I’m sorry that he cries a lot and hurts you every time you try to comfort him.

Your cries are not the only ones that echo in the house anymore.

I’m sorry that you are not the “baby” anymore.

Sometimes your brother pulls your hair and sometimes he hits you when you try to play with or comfort him. On many occasions, I ended up laughing when I really shouldn’t have, only because It was extremely funny seeing how the two of you interacted.

I’m not so sorry when your baby brother looks at you and smiles.

It reminds me about the bond siblings share – something that I will never get to experience.

“A sibling is someone to laugh with a little harder, cry with a little less and smile with a whole lot more.”

I’m not sorry for giving you a sibling.

I never wanted you to experience childhood like I did – being an only child was awesome but it was also lonely.

I know that you get angry when you see me kissing your brother because it makes you realize that he also holds a special place in my heart but remember always; there’s more than enough love for the both of you.

You might not have realized this yet but he has helped you already. You are a blooming flower. He taught you the meaning of being a sibling; the affection and protectiveness of being a big sister.

I know you feel like your world turned upside down. It may have but I am not sorry for this because you’ve become more patient, caring, understanding and independent ever since he has arrived.

Dear Child, you are growing up…

“You’re my first born child and the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for her child.” ― Elizabeth Noble, Things I Want My Daughters to Know