Don’t judge me, I’m a mom

When I decided to blog, I knew I had to be prepared for criticism. I was OK with that because I felt it was more important for me to share my story and experiences. My blog is only a glimpse of my life and I don’t think you can judge me from that… Anyway, that’s not the reason I decided to write this post.

I feel moms get judged way too much in society.

If your child cries in the mall, there’s at least 20 people looking at you and thinking, Look at this terrible mom leaving her child to cry.

I had an incident with Kitana not too long ago at a lodge we visited for a weekend. It was 8 p.m. at night and we were at dinner shortly after we arrived. Kitana normally sleeps at 8 p.m., so she was tired and grumpy. She refused to sit. At this point, I’m starving and so is Vije. I quickly get my food and start gobbling. She cries, I try to calm her down, but she is persistent in her desire to leave. She starts screaming, EVERYONE stares… (this place had mostly couples), a few remain staring. I look around and then hid myself with shame on my plate even though I felt I did nothing wrong. Vije takes her while I eat and suddenly, I hear whispers around me. I’m a breastfeeding mom who needs to eat throughout the day. If I don’t, I get weak. If I don’t eat, Kitana doesn’t get milk. Do they know that? No, but yet they are judging me already.

There’s certain situations even parents themselves can’t control. Sometime we don’t even know what’s wrong with our child. If a mom has a big tummy postpartum, she’s judged: “She hasn’t lost the baby weight yet.” Really?! That’s what you see first? How about the cute little baby she pushed out of her vagina a couple of days ago? Why don’t you ask her how’s breastfeeding going? OR that she’s trying to work while having sleepless nights and a colic baby. We sometimes forget how difficult it can be for a mom. Not every mom as a rosy first three months with a newborn.

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There is no such thing as the perfect mother. We all make mistakes and learn from them. Most moms do not have supermodel figures after having two kids. Unfortunately, we live in a world where ‘fake’ sells. The advert on TV says a mom after two months of giving birth should have a tummy as flat as an ironing board, but in reality, that doesn’t always happen.

Don’t let society shape the person you are. There will always be people judging. Celebrities deal with it on a daily basis; I can’t imagine how some of them feel when they Google their names.

To the first time mom who has no idea why your baby can’t stop crying, remember: YOU can ask for help.

To the mom who doesn’t comb her hair every morning and has a shower at 4 p.m. in the afternoon, I salute you!

To the single mom trying to raise two kids on her own, remember, you’re a super mom.

To the person who is judging me after reading this post:

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Hi, I’m Shan. I’m an entrepreneur and a sucker for good adventures. I was listed in Forbes Africa 30 under 30 2019 and just recently launched my start-up – MomSays.

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  1. 2014-09-19 / 21:07

    Very thought- provoking post. I too have been that mum trying to grab a bite to eat with a crying child, conscious of the stares. We should all be supporting each other more and judging less x

    • Shan
      2014-09-19 / 21:27

      I agree with you, hoping it will change someday!

    • Shan
      2014-09-19 / 21:26

      Thanks Megan, I felt like I needed to get this out of my chest.

  2. 2014-09-19 / 22:12

    We’ve all been there. Unfortunately, the “judgers” seem to forget that. Stay the course Mama.

    • Shan
      2014-09-23 / 22:27

      I totally agree Traci. Thanks for reading.

  3. 2014-09-20 / 01:26

    Great post! I try not to worry about what anyone thinks. It can be difficult being a mom with all of the judgement. And, I often take my shower at 4 pm (at least I got one!)haha

    • Shan
      2014-09-23 / 22:26

      Thanks for the feedback Tricia, dont worry today was 3pm for me! LOL ;).

  4. 2014-09-21 / 07:54

    Great post and great reminder that were all just here doing the best we can and we need to give grace to ourselves and to others. You’re doing a beautiful job!

  5. salma
    2014-09-22 / 13:25

    Well said shan its really true ♡

  6. Lauren
    2014-09-22 / 13:43

    Oh hun! Hugs! I had it easy and never had such probs. Rosie is only 8 months so I know the tantrums etc are on their way. Will reread this then for a bit of sanity! XOXOX

    • Shan
      2014-09-23 / 22:24

      You lucky Lauren, well keep me posted :), hows the teething phase going?

      • Lauren Thompson
        2014-09-24 / 06:43

        Pretty well actually. She has the bottom teeth so we survived that. She sleeps less well and is a little more moany but I have the most sweet little soul. She’s to date not been difficult. Even when she’s sore. She just kind of crumples. She’s got some constipation issues and before we started feeding her movicol she had a really bad backlog. Most I’ve ever seen her cry. Poor little heart. 🙁

  7. 2014-09-27 / 18:51

    So true! I just moved across country with my 10 month old, eating out was so hard because she was so off schedule, but were we supposed to do, not eat!? And for the record, dry shampoo became my new best friend after having her, because even though I do manage to shower each day, I just don’t always have the energy to lather up my hair (and personally I think my hair has never looked better).

  8. 2014-10-01 / 22:26

    I think most (if not all) parents have been subject to the disapproving stares. Then, there are moments when our children are so “well behaved” that they receive compliments from strangers. It just depends on what day it is if we get the positive or negative feedback. Since we have four who are all the same age, we can get positive or negative stares X4 too. : 0 )

  9. 2014-10-02 / 06:31

    I definitely agree moms are judged too much. My husband always points out kids crying in the store, just to remind me that everyone goes through it – and no one is going to call CPS because your kid is having a meltdown in the toy aisle. 🙂

  10. 2014-10-02 / 15:13

    Amen! I’ve had my girls have meltdowns and I hold it together even when other Moms are not supportive and give me the “eye”. As Taylor Swift would say Shake It Off 🙂

  11. 2015-03-13 / 23:19

    Love this!!! Everything you wrote is so true and I see and hear this all the time. I’m not a mom yet but I think it’s so disgusting when mothers judge other mothers. I don’t know if you know Kelly Clarkson the singer but since her new album released everyone has been talking about her weight and how she should have already lost it because her baby was born 8 months ago. It’s so sad and it breaks my heart. I’ve been reading your blogs and you are great mom don’t let people’s judgements and silent whispers get to you. ♥

    • 2015-03-14 / 08:04

      I heard about the Kelly Clarkson story, it’s so sad! 🙁 I don’t understand why we need to do that. It’s moms who pressurize moms. Thanks so much for the support, I love reading comments. 🙂

  12. saloshnee singh
    2015-06-15 / 12:43

    Most days, 1 afternoon bath is all i get, i am ok with it, hehe. I am learning very fast to ignore people around me. I used to care bout what everyone thinks, but at the end of the day as long as your kids and you are happy, nothing and no one else should matter.

  13. 2015-06-15 / 13:18

    I have the exact same sentiments !
    I dream of a world where people realise they have their own faults and other people are going through some stuff in their life, so one should not judge. If we could all be empathetic to each other and understand that we are all going through something, whether it be an almost 1 year old baby who does not eat and sleep properly or Financial distress or whatever else, I’m pretty sure we won’t have problems like these…… A mom can dream right ?!

  14. khadija fakir
    2015-06-15 / 21:03

    Well said … i feel the same way … & often i get so upset when i talk to someone & the way they speak like they the best mom in the world and everything s under controll. And they make you feel like you are the worst. Why can’t people be happy with the way somone else brings up their kids …. be happy for them and at least say a small prayer … the least you could do … just ask God to keep them happy and content

  15. lameez
    2015-06-15 / 22:45

    So true , We learn and xperience every day and do our utmost best but kids will be kids.There things we can control and things that we can’t! I went through the same thing with my twins and with 2kids crying the same time was hectic but I tell myself that day just ignore the people around u and I DiD feel proud2 cos No mother is perfect or knows everything.ur post make me more stronger. Well said and thank u 🙂

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