I hate breastfeeding right now… I know what you are thinking…
”How could she even say that out loud, doesn’t Shan know the benefits of extended breastfeeding?”
Before you judge me during my weak moment, think about what would you do if you were in my situation?
I do know about the benefits, I breastfed my daughter until she was 2 and half years old and to be honest, I think that it was much easier breastfeeding her than experiencing what I am going through right now with my son.
Breastfeeding a baby is beautiful but breastfeeding a toddler is something else! You have to be really strong to deal with this.
It can break you down physically and emotionally.
I don’t think that I am strong enough anymore. I give up. I am so over it.
In a few months, I’m going to start this journey all over again because I am currently pregnant with my third child.
Many women advised me to stop breastfeeding when I fell pregnant with this baby but I continued because I knew that it was the right thing to do for my son.
I felt guilty.
I felt like it was my duty to continue because I breastfed my daughter for much longer than I breastfed my son. I even breastfed my daughter while I was pregnant with my son. So, I had to be fair, right?
Things were fine couple of months ago until the toddler symptoms started kicking in.
This is more than what I experienced with my daughter and boy oh boy did she love her boobies.
It’s not a peaceful or an enjoyable experience anymore.
I cringe every time he attacks my breast.
He hates it when I cover up so he pulls my top down to pull my nipple out even when we are in public places.
I think that everyone at my local Woolworths store has seen my nipple at some point.
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks fighting with myself about this because I know the about the benefits of breastfeeding a child until the age of 2 – but to be honest, I’m not sure if there is even any milk left in there.
He doesn’t seem to be getting full on the breast because he still looks for a bottle afterward.
My breasts feel empty and my nipples are extremely sore.
Things change a lot when breastfeeding – especially when a baby gets their teeth. It’s not sunshine and roses anymore.
The reality is that there is a stage in extended breastfeeding that can make you extremely emotional and frustrated.
The reason why I hate breastfeeding my toddler…
My son bites my nipple often, most of the time when he falls asleep on the breast but we do get the odd occasions where he thinks it funny to hear me scream blue murder!
I’m so over this… He wants to drink from one boob and play with the other even in public! Nipple-tweaking has to be the biggest reason I’m over breastfeeding right now.
The hand in top:
I’ve never had an issue with breastfeeding in public places, I’ve done it plenty of times however it is odd when my son is nipple-tweaking while we are walking around the shopping centre. Even if he isn’t drinking, he still wants to play with them. I guess it is comfort for him but more like torture for me.
The toddler acrobats:
My son drinks in a 360 degrees’ position and does the weirdest acrobats while drinking. I feel like a human jungle gym at the moment and it isn’t fun anymore.
The toddler tantrums:
If I say no, he rolls on the floor and pretends to cry. It’s sweet and cute but not nice if you are exhausted and want to sleep.
The personal space invasion:
He wants to be attached to my breast 24/7 even when I’m sitting on the toilet pan.
Comfort at night:
He still wakes up at night for a bottle. He is on formula but after he finishes his bottle, he ends up back on the boob.
My son is healthy and eats well. He has spent weeks without me during my travel overseas. If I’m not around, he doesn’t bother but when he sees me, he wants the breast immediately.
Am I a bad mother for wanting to quit breastfeeding?
I really feel like one right now.
I keep thinking that he might give up on his own but I don’t see that happening anytime soon and then I think about my newborn that will be arriving in couple of months… I’m not sure if I can breastfeed a newborn and a toddler.
I’m exhausted but I hate seeing him crying even though it’s so fake.
My heart melts when I see him smile during our breastfeeding moments. It also reminds me of how fast he is growing up.
But I hate being so miserable. I feel like it’s time to end this breastfeeding journey with him … if only it was easy!