The reality of Postnatal depression…

I’ve been wanting to write this post for months but the truth is I haven’t had the guts to.

What would my readers say? What would my mom say if she found out?

I felt ashamed for even saying the word Depression out loud.

I did not want to admit to myself that THIS might be a reality.

I kept asking myself: “Why on earth would you be depressed?” You have an amazing family and life. It must be something else…

But what could it be?

I haven’t been myself the entire year! I’ve been overwhelmed and emotional. I have hidden my tears and pain behind fake smiles and laughs.

I’ve been irritable.

I’ve lied to my husband, family, and friends.

Is that normal?

Why do I keep doubting myself as a mother?

Why am I always feeling so guilty and alone?

I feel as if every time I try to stand up, I end up falling back down again!

It hurts. I want to scream out loud but I can’t.

I feel like an outsider looking in – a robot in a body.

I feel emotionless….

I feel as if there is a black cloud circling around me with strong winds…

Waiting to push me down again… into a hole that is filled with sadness and doubt.

Is that normal?

All I want to do when I’m alone is cry.

Cry because I’m lonely.

Cry because I’m happy…

Does that even make sense?

I thought that I would snap out of it… but this feeling isn’t going away.

It’s getting stronger.

Some days are good… some months are great but then that cloud returns… and turns one happy day into a sad lonely one.

I feel as if I deserve an award for the worst mother in the world.

Who leaves their kids with family and travels thousands of miles to be with her husband and fulfill her dreams?

I’m selfish, right?

I miss my kids but I missed my husband too. I needed him to remind me how important I am to someone.

Anyone!

I feel weak. Hopeless. Tired.

I have lost my self-esteem and have no real smiles to give anymore.

Is that normal?

No it isn’t… What I am going through is far from normal!

I need help. I need support.

I love my kids. I love my family but I need to love me too.

The reality is that Postnatal depression is a lot like a thief in the night. It creeps up on you when no-one is looking and attacks you when you least expect it.

It takes away something that is precious and leaves you vulnerable. Stranded.

I haven’t recovered yet but I am hoping that speaking about it will help me heal quicker.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I’m tired of insomnia and I’m tired of avoiding that mirror.

I’ve zoned out and lost concentration on work. I’ve disappointed people, colleagues, you and myself…

I can’t deal with this in silence anymore.

I need to break through and find the old Shan again!