14h00 on a Monday afternoon – Monday the 21st September 2015. This was the time that was scheduled for my C-Section. I’ve been at the hospital from 10am… patiently waiting in my room to go into theatre. The nurses kept on coming in to check up on me and prepare my body for that big moment…
“Today I have to embrace every moment and every pain because it’s going to be worth it in the end..” I thought to myself.
I rubbed my big belly for the last time, looked down and said: “Today, I get to meet you my son… No more hide and seek with mommy.”
Lying on a hard flat chair surrounded by doctors and nurses, clinging onto my husband’s hand waiting … waiting to hear my son cry for the first time.
I remember staring at a big bright light while machines beeped and doctors talked. Everyone was trying to distract me from what was happening, or rather what I pictured in my head that was happening. My lower body was numb but my emotions were not … Tears started rolling down my eyes and I had no idea why… Is it because I get to meet my son in a few minutes or because my upper body felt so cold and in pain?
My heart was racing, I was nauseous, the hairs on my hand were standing up and my mind went crazy with emotions. I felt the cold drip that fed through my veins every few minutes… Everything in the room felt cold except the touch of my husband.
This was the moment that I had waited 8 and half months for. It was a moment that I had dreamt about. I was eager to see this little man, this tiny little being who stole my heart even before meeting him.
Classical music was playing to help me relax. Then the doctor said: “Shan, I can see his head, your boy will be here in a few minutes.” My heart filled with joy and I wished I could get up already and see what was happening. Instead I ended up closing my eyes trying to embrace the moment. Tears kept rolling down and I prayed.
A few minutes later everyone in the room became silent…I then heard the beautiful tune of a little boy’s cry which automatically filled the room with warmth. I wasn’t cold anymore! It was a cry that filled my heart with love and made me smile without even realizing it. I felt complete. That was my son’s cry!
The doctor lifted him up and said: “He’s here”… At that moment all I wanted to do was grab him from the doctor and hold him tight but all I could do was wait… I kept hearing this beautiful cry which made me impatient. I wanted to see my son again and this time I wasn’t going to let him go!
A few minutes later, the moment had arrived… The moment that I first met my son! That moment that I got to hold his hand and touch his face… Honestly there are not enough words in the dictionary that can describe the feeling. It felt magical; as if time had stopped just for me. Everything around me became indistinct.
I looked into his eyes and cried. He was perfect, it reminded me of the moment I met my daughter.
The moment I held him, I wanted to kiss him… I wanted to hug him but all I did was stare at him and whisper: “I love you”… I never felt God’s love any stronger than that day, it was truly a magical moment. He was a gift that I could embrace from God and this the reason I had to name him Kiaan – Grace of God.
This post was inspired by a lullaby: The Moment I Saw You by Nicolette Larson.
The moment I saw you
I wanted to hold you.
And keep you warm
on a cold gray morn.
The moment I held you
I wanted to kiss you.
And welcome you here
on the day you were born