Dear son, last week you turned 8-months-old and I wasn’t there to celebrate with you.
I never planned to be away on your birthday but it happened. I’m sorry.
All I want to do right now is wrap you in my arms, kiss your head and tell you how much I love you.
I’ve been away for 3 weeks already and it hurts like hell.
It’s hard – emotionally, mentally and physically.
But life happens!
Sometimes I have to think about You.
Sometimes I have to think about Me.
Sometimes I have to think about Daddy.
And don’t forget your sister and then there’s work.
I keep asking myself: “Am I doing enough for everyone at home?”
I had to think about me. Just me. Because I felt like I was failing at everything.
I left you behind… Does that make me a bad mom?
I know you must be upset with me…
I know that you are probably wondering where I am!
I know that my skype calls can’t make up for it…
But please understand that the decision that I made was a difficult one … but I don’t regret it.
Being a working mom is hard but I love it.
Is it wrong if I tell you that I’m actually having fun on this trip?
Is it wrong if I tell you that I’m bonding with your sister?
For weeks, I’ve been doubting myself and my decision to travel to America without you. I allowed people to whisper negativity in my ear and decide as to the type of mother I am…
But I know you better than others…
I know you that you are more comfortable at home with family than here in an unknown city.
You weren’t ready for 22 hours on a plane.
You weren’t ready for big crowds in New York and overwhelming adventures in Disney world.
Your sister couldn’t even handle it and she is 3-years-old.
Every time I left the house for work after you were born, I used to feel guilty. I felt like I was walking around with an extra bag of luggage – luggage called Guilt!
But now all that has changed.
Because I know I’m not a terrible mother.
I’m a working mom who is making sacrifices so that I can pay for your diapers and your sister’s school fees. As cheesy as that sounds – it is true.
Working moms are always being questioned…
Working moms always question themselves.
But remember we do what we do for our kids.
Sometimes love means making really hard choices and being brave.
Honestly without you, I wouldn’t have pushed myself to try harder to be better.
I miss your scent…
I miss your sweet wet kisses…
Your big smile in the mornings.
I feel rather empty here without you but I know that the next time I visit Disney; it will be with you and your sister together!
Not too long, my son, I will be home cuddling next to you.
When Mumma has to leave… I need you to hug me and remind me what love is. It’s more than just being there – it’s making sure that you are taken care of, that I meet your needs, even when it feels like my heart is breaking and I can’t handle it anymore. It’s the emotion that makes me want to get up again because I know that the sacrifices that I make today means a better tomorrow for you.
I LOVE YOU Kiaan, don’t ever doubt that. You are a priority. You and Kitana are my heart beat and sometimes when I do things that you may not like or understand – Know that I have a reason, and my reason is that you and Kitana are always taken care of. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.