This post is extremely personal; what I am about to tell you today is something I have never told anyone before – not even my own husband.

I feel like I am about to pour my heart to you because… it is time, to be honest.

There’s a lot I have never spoken about on my blog – about me, my childhood and my family. But that is about to change because I feel as if it has been eating at me on the inside for years and… honestly – I can’t do this anymore.

I’m not perfect.

My life isn’t perfect.

I am a mess!

When Kiaan was born, I felt as if I went backwards instead of moving forward. To me, it was postnatal depression… I am going to write a post about this soon.

You are my strength and now I need you to be my support.

For many years, I have been uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that I don’t show it but I hated my body and I hated the way I looked.

It haunted me and made me extremely uncomfortable at school.

I always asked myself: “Why did God create me this way?”

Why couldn’t I be beautiful like the other girls in my class?

I finally worked up the courage to write about it today because I want this fear to be gone. I’m blessed and I am lucky to have what I do today – I need to let go of the past and move on.

Photos

I need to make a decision about the way that I want to feel for the rest of my life! I need to be happy with me and know that God created me this way.

I was bullied in primary school and during my Grade 8 year in Durban – A place once upon a time I called home.

I was called names that made me hate waking up in the morning and getting ready … but I never told anyone… because I was too scared to.

Bullying still exists and that scares the hell out of me – for my kids.

It tears you apart piece by piece until you look in the mirror and shatter.

Boys used to tease me for the way I looked.

I was the skinny girl with big teeth.

I was the ironing board who had skinny legs and no boobs.

Photos

For all these years, I was letting those “boys” control me and the way I felt about myself.

But it wasn’t only them.

I remember the first day I met my mother- in-law… She commented on my teeth and that was like a stab in my heart. Really? Are my big teeth all she sees? I wondered to myself.

Is it that visible that it makes people want to ask me uncomfortable questions?

I hid my feelings because I wanted to be okay with the way I am. I kept on saying, don’t worry its fine but the truth is it was never fine for me.

Years later, I am at a crossroad asking myself if it is too late to put on braces? Am I really ugly? Is it a big problem for me?

I was always tempted to put on braces but never had the courage to ask my mom when I was younger because she always insisted I was perfect. But for me, I was far from perfect.

I never smile in pictures because I hate the way I look; I hate videos because I hate the way I look…

The reason why I never smile in Photos

My point is sometimes we think something is going to be okay only to realize later on that it is still affecting us.

Don’t be like me, don’t be afraid to speak up! Share your feelings and say what matters before it is too late.

If your child is getting bullied, please don’t ignore it. Bullying is a serious problem – it’s something that can damage you later on.

I don’t believe that “big boys don’t cry”.  I don’t believe that we have to suck it up and roll with the punches. Because deep down inside everyone carries a fragile heart! In school, we used to say that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words would never hurt me…”

Words are the most powerful weapon. They can destroy and inflict invisible wounds. 

I tried to hide my pain under make-up and clothing but it didn’t work – I’ve been scared and now I’m trying to heal my open wounds.

You have been my biggest support system. You don’t judge me and you love me for the way I am.

Thank you. I will always be grateful to you for allowing me to be free.

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