Am I a wife or a mother first?

Am I a wife or a mother first?

How often have you found yourself worrying about this? To be honest, I think about it a lot.

I’m sure many of you feel as if you know the answer already because it is such an easy question – right? But for me… it isn’t.

I’m so tired of people telling me who I am supposed to be, how I should act and what I should be doing.

I ended up feeling guilty for spending time with my husband on his birthday because it felt as if I was cheating on my kids!

One comment can change your marriage forever.

I was judged for spending time with my husband without the kids.

I asked myself if ‘moms’ were not allowed to do this?

Does being a mom mean that I should stop being a wife?

Is being a good wife, making me a bad mother?

Am I a wife or a mother first

Do my kids really hate me for spending time with their father?

My husband reminds me of me, of the me that I used to be, the me that he fell in love with and the things that I love doing.

I’m trying to be the best I can be to both my kids and my husband but I feel as if it is never enough.

Babies change your marriage. Sometimes it’s not exactly the way that you pictured it.

Am I a wife or a mother first?

When my first child was born, I dedicated the first two years to my daughter. My world revolved around her and only her.

My relationship with my husband became more like a business deal.

I forgot all about my husband and his needs. I did not give him the attention that he deserved and I don’t think that I loved him the way that I was supposed to as a wife.

The passion in our relationship died. At that stage, all he seemed to be, was my daughter’s father.

He was patient and kind to me – even though I made him a stranger in his own home.

He became a sign of relief that I waited for every evening.

I only needed him to hold my daughter so I could have 5 minutes to myself in the shower.

The pressure of being a good mom according to society was suffocating.

Is being a good wife, making me a bad mother?

I felt as if I needed to be a certain type of mom to prove to the people around me that I was fine, that my marriage was perfect and that I could do everything on my own – without help from family and friends.

I felt so unsexy, is that even a word?

I might have made it up after I looked at myself in the mirror and saw saggy breasts, a big stomach and dark circles under my eyes.

I didn’t want to be touched.

Once you become a mother a lot changes. It even affects the intimate relationship with your husband. It isn’t the honeymoon phase anymore. You may end up sleeping on the job with a dry vagina.

There’s no more lingerie and random sex on the couch. It’s feeding bras and tip-toeing around the room.

Honestly, there wasn’t really time for sex in the first two years.  He may have understood but …


After my second child, I’ve learned that being a mom shouldn’t let me forget that I’m a wife first.

You can’t turn off being a mom because it’s who you are now but your world doesn’t have to revolve around the kids. You can make your husband a priority without compromising your ability to be a good mom.

You MUST make time for you and your husband without guilt.

Your husband needs your love.

Remember, your husband sees the worst version of you and he still loves you!

Remember his dedication, love, and devotion to you.

Fall in love with him again!

Remember each other and the family you two created together.

Your kids need you to set the example of what to be like when they grow up and get married one day.

Is being a good wife, making me a bad mother?

After all, they grow up and leave the nest. Who would you like to be left with – a stranger that you don’t even know any more or the man that always knew that no matter what, who or where he was never just an option but always a priority?!

I’d prefer to be old and sitting on a couch cuddling my life partner – rather than sitting on the opposite ends of a couch in front of the TV realizing that after the kids – we have nothing in common. We have drifted so far apart that we would need to rediscover each other…

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Am I a wife or a mother first?

Hi, I’m Shan. I’m an entrepreneur and a sucker for good adventures. I was listed in Forbes Africa 30 under 30 2019 and just recently launched my start-up – MomSays.

Find me on: Web | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook


  1. Latisha
    2017-01-19 / 20:33

    Love this post, I learnt in after my first baby that it couldn’t be that way. I needed my husband to help with the kids. Otherwise I would go insane.

  2. 2018-08-11 / 10:42

    Absolutely brilliant read with such truth honesty and depth. I loved it so much I read it out loud to my man. Thank you for this awesome blog and this fantastic post

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